No Regrets?

My life is the sum of all my decisions, the good and the bad. I would like to believe that I take the mistakes and learn from them, making me a better version of me - or at least a more resilient one - than I was before the mistake.

“Sometimes we have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it'll work or it won't. That is life.”

Alex Elle

In this light, then, I have no regrets.

Well, that’s what I tell myself. But the truth is, I have one regret. One that is so big and so intense, it always hangs over me. It appears when I least expect it, always taunting me. Always mocking me. Always showing me what a piece of shit I am.

That’s the way I feel like when the thoughts come - what a piece of shit I am.

I’m not going to write down what my regret is. No. I will spare you that. But when I was young I made a decision that impacted what I am today. Most people will tell you that it was a good decision, and what I am today is by and large really good, but I often wonder “what if...”

What if I had taken that other path, the one I still feel was “my path”. What if...

But I was too much of a coward to go down that path. Hmmm, well, that’s not entirely true but I could have put my doubts aside... I only blame myself for that cowardice. I should have had the balls to go for it, to suffer a little more for the goal I wanted to achieve, but I didn’t push myself.

I didn’t.

And now many, many years later, it still haunts me. I have since faced my fears many times over, but this one time...